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Your Jokes.
Busload of Politicians
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus
suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field.
The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate.
He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.
A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field
and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where
all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them.
"Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.
"Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer,
"but you
know how them politicians lie."
A few of the better jokes sent in to Hollywood Comedians
Subject: Single Black Female
One for all you
"Men" belittlers! And, info for men so they can be
aware!
Single Black Female...
The following ad actually ran
in The Atlanta Journal is reported to
have received numerous calls:
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks
male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips,
cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me
eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me
respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing
only what nature gave me.
Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found
themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week old
black Labrador retriever. Men are so
easy....
subject:
Moving to Florida!
Florida is just fantastic! Just got here and we
love it already. Now
this is a state that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days with
blue skies and warm balmy evenings. Beautiful flowers! What a place!
Watched
the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've
finally found my home. I love it here.
May 14th:
Really heating up. Got to 89 degrees today. Not a problem, I live in
an air-conditioned home and drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure
tosee the sun every day like
this. I'm turning into a real sun
worshipper.
June 5th:
Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE
SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
July 1st:
The temperature hasn't been below 90 all week, not even at night.
Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, it still seems hot. Getting
used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my CD collection,
though.
I'll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my
car.
Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, cheaper than the burn
ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled
like. Got to get something for the seats, too. Or not wear shorts!
Maybe some hot pads on my
hands for opening the door would work.
July 15th:
Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.)
Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson
though: got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
July 20th:
I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning.
By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he'd swollen up to the
size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all
over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away.
The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat! Also
didn't know that you can't keep a small dog tied up outside. Something
about alligators. Don't even want to go there!!
July 25th:
Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on
the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he
needed to order parts. Only
hope for a break in the heat would be a
hurricane.
July 30th:
Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the
swamp mosquitoes that are as big as B-52's. $1,500 in darn house payments
and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?
Aug 4th:
100 degrees in the shade. Finally got the air conditioner fixed
today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The
electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady
drivers almost ran me off the road today. I hate this state.
Aug 8th:
If another wise jerk cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm
going to
tear his head off. Damn heat!
By the time I get to work, the radiator is
boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted
Garfield!!
Aug 10th:
The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny.
It's been too hot for two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week. And whoever came up with the statement, "it
may be
hot, but at least you don't have to shovel it" should die from heat
exhaustion.
Doesn't it ever rain in this Godforsaken place??
Aug 14th:
Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the
window and blew the windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came
tofix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?". My wife had to
spend the
$1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.
Aug 30th:
Worst day of the summer. I'm not leaving the house. The monsoon
rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and
drove
the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn't aware they could
fly! The Lincoln is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new
$500
windshield. That does it, we're moving back to up north! I hope this
state breaks in half and floats to Cuba!
The Ten Commandments in Cajun... (Keeps it REAL Simple)
1. God is number one... and das' All.
2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.
8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf!
Subject: oy vey
Medical
Update
A leading medical group has published data that indicate Seder
participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It
is believed that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.
There
is a new product available: whole wheat and bran matzoh,
fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is "Let My
People Go."
Old Jewish men in Miami get a hernia from wearing a chai which is too
heavy. It is called a Chayaitel hernia.
And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering
circumcisions via the Internet. The service is called..... "Emoil."
Subject:
follow these directions
Just follow steps 1-4...
1) Go to Google.com;
2) type in: "weapons of mass destruction"
3) Hit the "I'm feeling lucky" button, instead of the normal
"Google search"
button
4) read the error message closely.
Resolve to create a good future. It's where you'll spend the rest of your
life. -Charles Franklin Kettering
GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE..... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO
11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON
THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL
STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH
AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK
"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL
SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER
THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOODLUCK,
MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS
FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO
ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED. MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG
FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING
BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH
LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE
MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON
THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I
would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we
were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot
live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all
over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
Mariah Carey
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life,"
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal
anti-smoking campaign. "I've never had major knee surgery on any
other part of my body,"
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest
crime rates in the country,"
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president."
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
' "That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
A congressional candidate in Texas.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
Dan Quayle
" It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way
or another"
George Bush, US President
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we
need?"
Lee Iacocca
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different
from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from
overseas."
Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances."
Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
....Feeling smarter yet?
A Spanish Delicacy
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day
of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling,
scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did
it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those
are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,
I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you
come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this
delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then
that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.
After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called
to the waiter and said...
"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the
ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
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